Christmas was my brother John’s favourite time of year. All three of us were adopted and grew up in Greenway in Berkhamsted. John was a bit cheeky as a youngster, his blue eyes glinting everywhere. When he was about five, John snuck down on Christmas morning with his twin brother Andrew. At 3AM, Mum and Dad looked out the window and saw the boys cycling up and down Greenway in the snow. We always had good family Christmases, and although John never had children of his own, he loved celebrating it with the family.
I always looked up to my brothers so when John was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago it was hard because the tables were turned. It was a real shock to be told it wasn’t curable. But from that day forward I was always there for him. We’d go to an appointment and whoever started telling John something, he’d say, “Make sure you tell my sister.”
John found the chemotherapy very hard. We had a bit of a tag team system where I’d take him to chemo on a Friday, collect him afterwards and drive him halfway to our brother Andrew’s, where he’d stay for the weekend. Sometimes I went with John, and we had fun times, making the best of it.
John just wanted memories really. He asked me to throw him a party for his 59th birthday, and I pulled all the strings to have it at the Cricket Club in Tring. Then, John created a list of three things he wanted to achieve: to make it to his sixtieth birthday, to attend the wedding of his friend’s son, and to have one more Christmas with our family.
The day after John’s sixtieth birthday, he could barely stand. I was back and forth between Tring and his flat in Northchurch about three times every day. Suddenly, he was completely reliant on me. John was getting a bit worried because I was rushing back and forth while also working and raising four kids. I said, “Look, you’re more important. If you need something, I’ll do it.”
Then Julie, the Hospice’s community nurse asked, “Would it help if the community nurses came in?” That was a big relief because they could help John up in the morning, and later in the evenings. Eventually they increased it to three visits a day. John loved it because he could see people and just talk. No one was in a rush.
Dr Katy Bruce visited John and she was marvellous. It was a big relief to John because she came in and really listened to him. The care at home was invaluable because it took the pressure off me and gave John some confidence.
John had his last Christmas at home in a special bed arranged by the Hospice. We had lots of people visiting, back and forth. It was a very important time because John just loved all the family and the kids. On Boxing Day, John had a few sips of a glass of sherry and told us he’d been thinking about going to the Hospice. John said, “It’s too much for Adele. I want her back as my sister because at the moment she’s just being my carer. I want her to just be my sister again.”
The Hospice was just like being at home. I remember Nurse Julie saying to John: “If you want to have a bubbly bath and a beer in the bath, you can have it.” I brought up the flowers from John’s flat and put his photos on the wall. I didn’t have to worry that we were leaving John on his own and that something might happen the minute I left. It improved the quality of time we could spend with him. We could just hang out, relaxing and watching telly, laughing about some of the programmes.
No problem was too big for the staff at the Hospice. The speed of their reactions and their expertise was a great relief and comfort to our family. John could be relaxed and pain free. There was instant care, and the staff always wanted to know how we all were. It was like a big warm fluffy blanket that was wrapped around us.
We spent New Year’s Eve at the Hospice with John, but a couple of days later he said, “I love you all, but I’ve just had enough now.” No one wants to see their older brother die at sixty. But the Hospice made the whole situation a hundred times better than it could have been. The care was immediate and made life much easier, safer and happier.
My brother John had a heart of gold and would do anything for anybody. In the final year of his life, he achieved the three things he’d hoped to. He made it to his sixtieth birthday, attended a special wedding and had one last Christmas with our family.
The care John received from the Hospice was invaluable. It meant he was comfortable and safe the whole time. When you haven’t got a lot of time, to have everything instantly sorted is so powerful. Without The Hospice of St Francis, we wouldn’t have had that security and safeness and care.
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